The Line

Depression!

Just what we need for a cold, damp Thursday, right? RIGHT?

Nature or nuture? Bit of both, maybe? Neither? Is it all chemical? Just a shitty result of circumstance? Depends? All of the above?

I’ve had the somewhat lack lustre, mouldering badge of depression slapped on my forehead for about fourteen years, so I’ve had it over half my life. I’m OK with this, well, OK-ish, and I’ve come to realise that it will never truly “go” and I most certainly will never be “fixed”. To my loved ones, I’m sure they’re used to it, and are more than aware of my highs but mostly of my lows and my fantastic ability to be an EPIC pain in the arse. I’m aware of what triggers the dark spells, and all I can do is try to stay busy and keep taking my medication which numbs everything to my toes but really are far better than the alternative.

My mum I’ve noticed, likes to think I’ve some freaky “chemical imbalance”, which for some reason always conjures up images of Doc Brown from Back to the Future in my mind. Lack of serotonin and the like, I don’t buy it, I think that’s the easy route out. She tries to encourage me to eat bulgur wheat and spinach and other such pretentious foodstuffs in an attempt to counter my lack of da chemicalz, and keep me from being insane in the membrane. Hmmm. I’ll grant you some things you put into your body definitely do not help, but I don’t think superfoods are the Holy Grail, soz.

My mum has suffered with depression and it’s derivatives from a young age also, waaaaay way before I was born, and I’ve seen her at her absolute worst. I’ve watched her occasional gin and tonic in the evenings escalate into a mahoosive drinking problem, drinking close enough to a bottle of gin a day until her eyes turned yellow and it rotted her teeth. I’ve fought knives and even carving forks from her desperate fingers. Hidden every form of medicine and chemical away from her. Had glass bottles thrown at me in her fits of uncontrollable rage. At the age of fourteen I was asked by her, pleaded with, when desperately trying to negotiate her to put the fucking pair of scissors down, for me to kill myself with her.

I hate that depression is part of me, I hate it is likely to never disappear in a puff of  dramatic smoke and everything will return to its original Technicolor and I will be permitted to see and feel and smell and love again properly. I hate worrying about my beautiful, beautiful boy, and if he is predisposed to depression too. I hate second guessing everything I do, in case it has a huge knock-on effect and teaches him the wrong ways to cope with difficult things and situations in his little mind and they never go. I hate when I’m having a bad day, when it’s all too much and I’m too exhausted to fight back the tears anymore, and telling his tiny worried face, “It’s OK, Mummy’s just a bit sad,” and making him cry too because he can’t understand, both of us clinging to one another in a mess of hot tears.

But I hope, I desperately, desperately hope that I know when I’ve crossed the line, or even when I’m flirting too close to it. That even though my mum didn’t teach me much in the emotion department as I kid, that she did teach me exactly what that line looked like and that I should never, ever cross it. And I hope more than anything, that Bean never has to feel that way, that that will never be a part of his make up, and that I won’t have to badger him to eat goji berries and drink disgusting herbal teas when he’s twenty-five too.

15 comments Write a comment

  1. You know I was actually drafting in my head last night, a post similar to this. You read my mind lady, but in a good way.

    I know how you feel. I can say that because I am in the same position. Depression for me, has been something I’ve lived with since childhood and something I’ve also seen wear down my own mother. Right now, I don’t take medication for it. I am though, at the point where I’m seriously considering it – anything to draw my emotions back down to a stable level, where I can actually function somewhat normally.

    I admire you though for coming out and talking openly about it. Depression is a very personal thing – it’s a part of who you are, but also a part of you that sometimes you wish didn’t exist and that can be difficult to put in to words. It’s not something that can easily be described either. At different times, it makes you feel in different ways, so explaining it to someone can be futile.

    You are not alone lovely. Make sure you remember that!

    • Thanks darling, ha, leave me sleep deprived enough and I’ll talk about anything innit ;) I think my main point is the worry and fear of “passing it on” to your kids when you suffer from depression or other mental health problems… I think it’ll come to nothing, and he’ll be fine, I like to think I’m pretty level headed, but it’s always a worry… Thanks for your lovely words… xx

  2. Great post! Always here if you need a chat! ALWAYS! I take my tablets daily just for some normalness too. I hate that sometimes I cry in front of the girls, but they will probably never remember, just like bean :)
    Don’t feel bad or guilty you are doing great and you hve SO much going on!
    Take is slow and make sure you smile at least once a day lol.
    Loves xxxxxx

    • thank you my lovely :) I know I can only do my best but it is a concern it’ll affect him or cause a reaction later on for him…. Ah well! :) thanks again sweetheart, much lurrrve xx

  3. A brilliant, brave and honest post which sounds like you’ve been reading the inside of my head, and have shared some of the experiences I’ve been through in my life.

    When people say to me that my son is “a mini-version of you” I’m proud, utterly, but a huge part of me is terrified because, I don’t want him to be anything like me. I don’t ever want him to experience the depression I’ve had.

    Thanks for writing this.

    • I can totally sympathise and relate to this, and I feel the same. I think all we can do is our best in being honest and open with them, and obviously loving them and listening to them – plus keeping everything crossed that this will never ever affect them in their lives. Thanks so much for your comment, it really means a lot :)

  4. Fantastic post and so well written.
    All I can say is I know you’re strong enough to never reach the same point your Mum did. You love Bean too much and that’s obvious in the way you worry about him.
    I too suffered from a young age and after deciding medication didn’t work just completely stopped and have ignored any darkness ever since. I’m a pro now ;)

    Here for you if you need it lady xx

    • Wow I need your secrets lady…. Depression blasting super powers! Great stuff. Thanks so much for your lovely lovely comment, it means so much :) Big hugs to you xx

  5. Such a moving post and one that I can relate to in every aspect. My children have all grown up now but I worry about them and watch them like hawks for the first signs of trouble.

    Already you are showing that you are stronger than your Mum so I would say that Bean has a wonderful mother who will always be there to look out for him.

    He couldn’t want for a better Mum. Keep up the good work. XX

  6. Such a well written post and so moving, I can relate to everything you have written.
    We have to battle our own inner demons every day and I’ve spent so much time ‘pretending’ that everything is okay that I sometimes wonder who I am myself!

    You are already doing better than your Mum, you have recognised ‘the line’ and hopefully you will be able to steer clear of it.

    Bean is a very lucky boy to have such a caring Mum so don’t beat yourself up about it.

    I’m always here if you want to talk. XX

  7. Pingback: My Muse, Depression And I - Five's A Fellowship

  8. Well done.

    Mamasaurus sent your blog virgin post, which I love.

    It’s fab to see you being honest, brave and still being able to be funny.

    I’m not surprised your blog is so sucessful.

  9. Pingback: My Muse, Depression And I - Fives A Fellowship

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>