I’m gonna level with you here. I’m gonna be fucking honest.
I’ve been a bit shit lately on the blog front. My writing’s been shit, my commenting has been shit, I’ve been shit on Twitter, I’ve just been shit quite frankly. The reason is I feel like I’m at a bit of a stalemate with my blog right now. My OH read a few of my blog posts and took them incredibly personally, when they were absolutely not intended in such a way, but of course I can see his point. I hurt him badly, and couldn’t argue my way out of the corner I’d written myself into as everything was clear as day, black and white, published for everyone to see on my blog.
It’s a massive shock to fall back down to earth from discovering this outlet, this complete and utter release, this passion project to realise that it can cause so much pain and anguish. That it can bite you on the arse so to speak, but worst of all it’s using words you have written yourself as a club to beat you around the head with.
I very nearly deleted the bastard thing. I couldn’t un-write what I’d already written, it wasn’t an option to erase them from my OH’s memory with a taser. My usual speciality when things get too much is to run away and pretend it never happened, and this case that would have been the blog being history, as much as it would have crushed me. I love this little piece of me, I really do, I’m extraordinarily proud of it but this has helped me understand that this infinitely tiny part of me on the internet reflects me more than I could ever comprehend. As many parts of me that I do love and find tolerable, there are bits that cause pain and hurt to the people who I love the most.
As I’ve said before, I can’t censor what I write, I find it a somewhat pointless endeavor to spill my guts out in words in this little space I have but go back and bleep out the yucky bits and the naughty words. No one benefits from that, other than possibly squeamish readers or those that find my swearing gratuitous. I’m really cunting sorry, honest. ANYWAY, I don’t see it as an option to abridge what I need to write. I just need to work on reassuring my OH that what is on here, and in my stupid tiny mind, that my depression is absolutely 100% completely utterly not caused by him, and that he is ultimately the only reason why I’m sat on this FUCKING squeaky chair writing this crap now.
So please accept my sincere apologies for being an amazingly uncool blogger for a little while, me and my blog need to go and have some words, probably go out for a nice civilised dinner, drink too much pink wine and end up punching the epic shit out of one another outside the kebab shop to sort out our differences. We’ll be friends again soon I’m sure, we just need to learn to trust each other again.