Hurt

I’m gonna level with you here. I’m gonna be fucking honest.

We all know each other pretty well now, yeah? I mean, you know I’m sampled my own breast milk and peed in a bucket now. I feel I owe an honest explanation, we’re mates innit?

I’ve been a bit shit lately on the blog front. My writing’s been shit, my commenting has been shit, I’ve been shit on Twitter, I’ve just been shit quite frankly. The reason is I feel like I’m at a bit of a stalemate with my blog right now. My OH read a few of my blog posts and took them incredibly personally, when they were absolutely not intended in such a way, but of course I can see his point. I hurt him badly, and couldn’t argue my way out of the corner I’d written myself into as everything was clear as day, black and white, published for everyone to see on my blog.

It’s a massive shock to fall back down to earth from discovering this outlet, this complete and utter release, this passion project to realise that it can cause so much pain and anguish. That it can bite you on the arse so to speak, but worst of all it’s using words you have written yourself as a club to beat you around the head with.

I very nearly deleted the bastard thing. I couldn’t un-write what I’d already written, it wasn’t an option to erase them from my OH’s memory with a taser. My usual speciality when things get too much is to run away and pretend it never happened, and this case that would have been the blog being history, as much as it would have crushed me. I love this little piece of me, I really do, I’m extraordinarily proud of it but this has helped me understand that this infinitely tiny part of me on the internet reflects me more than I could ever comprehend. As many parts of me that I do love and find tolerable, there are bits that cause pain and hurt to the people who I love the most.

As I’ve said before, I can’t censor what I write, I find it a somewhat pointless endeavor to spill my guts out in words in this little space I have but go back and bleep out the yucky bits and the naughty words. No one benefits from that, other than possibly squeamish readers or those that find my swearing gratuitous. I’m really cunting sorry, honest. ANYWAY, I don’t see it as an option to abridge what I need to write. I just need to work on reassuring my OH that what is on here, and in my stupid tiny mind, that my depression is absolutely 100% completely utterly not caused by him, and that he is ultimately the only reason why I’m sat on this FUCKING squeaky chair writing this crap now.

So please accept my sincere apologies for being an amazingly uncool blogger for a little while, me and my blog need to go and have some words, probably go out for a nice civilised dinner, drink too much pink wine and end up punching the epic shit out of one another outside the kebab shop to sort out our differences. We’ll be friends again soon I’m sure, we just need to learn to trust each other again.

19 comments Write a comment

  1. Living with a writer is crap. Life is literature. Literature is life. Don’t start censoring your honesty (god knows, there’s too little of it around) but you could put OH to the back of the picture; a silent, shadowy figure but still present in your life. It’s you we want to hear. Your thoughts, your feelings, your depression, your life as a mother. And please don’t be cool. Cool is tedious, self-conscious and, ultimately, dishonest. Write from the only place that matters; your heart.
    It’s always a shock to see your words in print and realise that they matter but what matters is that they do matter otherwise they are just patterns on a page
    And do stop beating the shit out of yourself. There are enough people around to do it for us. Just write ….

    • This is my most favourite comment, Sally. Honestly, this means the absolute world to me, I may print it off and frame it! If I ever had a good kick up the bum for me to carry on writing, this is absolutely it and I thank you for it.

  2. An incredibly honest post hun and a very good one! It never crosses my mind when I read blogs (or even write my own) how some posts will effect others around us.
    I understand why hubby might feel like he does but I’m sure he’ll understand why you need to write and unload on here.
    I love how you write, I love how you tell it as it is. No fannying around! Don’t stop writing chic, we’d all miss you xx

  3. Ah yes, many an argument has come out of a blog post. Papasaurus used to get his arse out with me over what I wrote but then he saw that it was helping me and vowed to step back and not criticize. Tricky shizzle…

  4. I think everyone who ‘meets’ you loves you for your honesty, that’s what makes you so great and laugh out loud funny. You wouldn’t be the same if you had to censor it. I don’t think my OH has read mine and i certainly wouldn’t encourage it, its my outlet and sometimes it’s best that he doesn’t know what goes on in my head. I hope you and your blog have a big kiss and make up, because the blogosphere would be a sadder place without you xx

  5. A beautifully honest blog post – it is so hard to know whether there is such a thing as too honest, there are many things I want to say about my hubby’s rather crappy family right now but have tried to subtly hint at it, but its not being true to my space, funnily enough I am in the middle of putting a post together, but I will definitely keep your post in mind before I hit publish. I think at the end of the day if writing helps you, then be as honest as you can XXXX

  6. If you feel you need to write something, then write it. Unhusband and I came close to (un)divorce when he discovered my post about his (horrendous) mother. But I meant every word and I’m actually glad he read it, because the written word is often stronger than the spoken one. So keep writing! x

  7. I totally related to this. We’ve had a couple of arguments over my blog and it’s scary. I love blogging. My husband doesn’t like me doing it. He’s private. I don’t write anything I wouldn’t say out loud in the office. Blogging has become a compulsion for me – I think it makes me a better person in a lot of ways because I can write things rather than simmer about them or take them out on someone. But that’s not popular with my husband or my parents. I know the in-laws are off-limits, I know my parents are off limits and I know my husband is off limits apart from passing reference to him as part of my family. Ironically though, he’s complained that I am styling myself as a single parent just writing about myself and the kids. A couple of months ago, he read some posts. He’s never done it before. He read this – it’s generally thought by my readers to be quite beautiful, but he didn’t agree http://mumofthreeworld.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/how-i-met-my-husband.html
    If he doesn’t like this, what chance have I got?
    Through blogging I have also realised I have low-level mental health issues – depression that comes and goes. Medication would probably help me, but I haven’t gone there yet. When my husband and my parents criticised my blog it led to me reacting in a way that was scary for all of us. I lost control of myself and just screamed – not at them, but because I was so upset at the thought of upsetting them but also at the thought I might have to stop doing something I love.
    Keep on blogging! x

    • I read the post and I thought it was absolutely brilliant :) I can totally relate to freaking out at the prospect of not being able to blog, I think I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe anymore.I really truly hope you can keep on blogging, and find the balance to keep everyone happy darling xxx

  8. Gah, I know this feeling well. I had a full scale disaster when my Mum found my blog, had to delete it and my twitter. Then couldn’t cope and set up a new blog & twitter account- tomorrow marks my second first month of blogging! I also live in fear of G reading my blog. He knows I write but he also knows it’s private. I don’t talk to real world people about it because I don’t want to have to censor what I have to say. I’m also starting to wonder of we have a psychic connection a-la-blog of some kind- did you read this: http://wp.me/s2KoQb-privacy ?? Oooh-ooh-ooooooh-Ooooooh!! x

  9. OooooOOOoooh freaky shizzle! I didn’t read the post before I wrote this but my God, yours sounds awful. I totally couldn’t deal with my mum reading mine. Sends me cold just imagining! xx

  10. Hi there mummy who never sleeps. I also try to be really honest in my blog. I also go through moments where I can’t be arsed anymore and wonder why I’m doing it. Funnily enough though, my OH does read it and whenever I write about our arguments it seems to clear the air a bit. It makes it funny and ridiculous because it is! We argue about laundry for gawd sake! We’re both losers and I like pointing that out. He has asked me to write something nice next time though…
    Keep going, you’re doing great! x

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