WHOOP WHOOP, IT’S DA SOUND OF THE EPIC BEAN!
Hello mischief makers, get your game faces on, it’s Bean time.
I’ve had a bit of sabbatical, I’ll admit, mainly due to living it up like a damn playboy cos I won a bloody award, didn’t I? It’s been a hedonistic orgy of chocolate buttons, Ribena and jumping on mum’s head. Yeahhh I know you’ve all been saying well done to me mum, don’t think I haven’t seen ya and she’s swanning about with her head right up her… Anyway. We all know it’s my award, right? RIGHT?
I left you with some homework last time, remember? I hope you’ve been keeping up, and have mastered those feral letters like the little lion tamers I know you can be. Grab your permanent markers and the nearest available wall for notes and we can get crack-a-lacking where we left off.
N is for NO! NO! STOP THAT! Which we all know is secret mummy code, for YES, GOOD BOY! KEEP DOING THAT!
O is for OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT? This means mummy is impressed that I have taken the initiative and shown mega creative skillz for shaving the cat and painting her neon green. Impressed.
P is for duh, peas innit. Now, I’m not a let’s face it, weirdo like the “E is for Edie who LOVES eating peas!” freak from Baby Jake, BUT I do appreciate a good pea, they make me happea. And they make ACE missiles to ping onto the floor at dinnertime – MUM, I PEA-ED ON THE FLOOR AGAIN.
Q is for quiet. Whoever said silence is golden is just plain daft for spreading ridonkulous propaganda amongst the ‘rents. I have a very scientific formula in the absolutely terrifying event of quiet.
Quiet? Fill it. LOUDLY. NO, LOUDER THAN THAT. Keep going. THERE ya go, you’re learning.
R is for RUNNING AWAY! Best game ever to play with mum, mega lolz.
S is for sugar high – the meaning of life, the universe and everything.
T is for Hello trouble! If anyone ever says this to you dudes, ever, don’t trust them, especially if they give you sweets, they’re spies and they’re on to us.
U is for – standard I know but wait - umbrella. Put one up in the house and watch mummy nearly explode and so high-pitched only dogs can hear her. Hours of fun.
V is for vets. The magical destination mummy takes the cats when I sit on them and break them a bit, they come back fixed again! AWESOME!
W is for WHAT THE FUDGE?! Or, at least I think that’s what mummy says.
X is for Xanax, apparently they’re like grown up Smarties, mummy eats them lots when she gets a bit shouty.
Y is for Y WON’T YOU SLEEP?! HANG ON, Y ARE YOU DRINKING RED BULL?! Y ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!
Z is for Zinfandel – mummy’s special medicine. Comes in really big bottles.
Bish bash bosh.
And there, look, you’ve done it, you’ve learnt the alphabet. TA-DA! You took that sucker OUT! Extra bonus mega points for singing the alphabet – “… N O P Q R S T …. rex? U V….” It’ll make mummy weep with cute overload and give you chocolate cake for lunch.
Peas and love,
Note from mum - If you’d like to vote for me to reach the finals of the BiB’s in the Fresh Voice category, so ya know, I’ll actually have to force myself to get dressed and leave my house and see ACTUAL REAL LIFE PEOPLE and inevitably drink too much and honk Mammasaurus’ bazookas, you can do so by clicking that sexy little button below.