David Dimbleby

I’m gonna be cliché, I’m gonna be obvious, I’m gonna do the freaking BIRTH STORY *dramatic music* *shocked face* *scream*

Sorry if it’s boring, sorry if you’d rather not go there, but I’m sodding well going there anyway, baby.

June 2009. Wednesday afternoon, I’m five days overdue, I’m over the fact I’m ever going to give birth to this stubborn baby. I’ve eaten too many curries, I’ve walked fucking miles, I’ve eaten so much pissing pineapple my tongue feels as though I’ve been licking sandpaper for kicks. It’s OK, I’ll just stay like this forever, I’ll cope, I’ve gotten far too used to my maternity jeans to give them up anyway. It’s cool.

I’m walking to a midwife appointment about a mile away from my flat, my swollen stomach feels tight and achey, but I’m not being fooled into believing THIS. IS. IT , I’ve had false alarms already. I see the midwife, she pokes about for a bit and tells me I’m actually 2cm dilated. She gives me a “sweep”, and off I go, not entirely the wiser as to what is happening. I get Rob over, (we had split up at this point) he buys me dodgy chips which were AMAZING and writes down my contractions for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Everything stops at midnight, he goes back to his house, and I go to bed mightily fucked off.

Thursday morning, contractions, they’re back, they’re worse, much worse, so bad I can no longer coherently write them down. My phone is glued to my hand as I text updates to my close family and Rob. I don’t make a fuss and tell him to wait to come over again as I’m convinced it’ll all stop again. I somehow stick the evil TENS machine on my back, which I really don’t think does a bloody thing, and try to snooze. Obviously I can’t. I force myself out of my bed and shower, I even put some make up on, priorities right? It’s about 5pm, I still don’t let Rob come over because I think I’m being overdramatic. Pain. Tight crushing pain.

The early evening is a blur, I busy myself checking my bags and folding and re-folding tiny white vests and suits I can’t compute could be on my baby in a few hours. At 10.30pm everything is speeding up, Question Time is on TV, I remember thinking I liked David Dimbleby’s tie.  I have a huge urge to poo. In my infinite wisdom, I tell myself if I can have a poo THEN I will go to the hospital, ya know, to avoid any giving birth and pooing simultaneously scenarios, again: Priorities.

I’m sat on my toilet for about an hour and a half, I shit you not, I know people describe giving birth like having a huge, huge poo, of course this didn’t register to me at the time, in my agonised state, I had no idea my body was actually telling me to fucking PUUUUUSH YOU STUPID MARE, YOU DON’T NEED A FUCKING SHIT.

I’m in a complete state, why can’t I just poo?! Everytime I stand up from the loo, I have to sit straight back down again because I think I’ll shit myself, and I certainly don’t have the energy to clean THAT up. I’m still alone, I’ve told Rob to stay where he is until I’m on my way to the hospital and I’ll see him there. I call my mum and tell her what’s happening, I remember sobbing pathetically “I can’t do this!” and her helpful reply being “It’s a bit late for that now, isn’t it?” Thanks mum.

Friday 12am, I try again on the toilet and there’s blood, lots of blood. Oh, the penny drops, fucking FINALLY. I call the hospital and tell them I’m on my way, my brother rushes over to pick me up, he tells me to wait so he can bring the car closer, I glare at him and grab my bags and stomp to the car down the road anyway.

Maniac driver brother, road bumps, traffic calming fucking measures, you BASTARDS. Hospital, lots of panic, I’m in the delivery room, I’m on the bed. MOTHERFUCKER I HAVEN’T CALLED ROB, hang on the midwife tells me, we just need to check you over quickly. “Jesus, you’re nine centimetres, you need to start pushing, now. Well done, girl.” Yes, yes that’s great, someone fucking CALL ROB.

He somehow appears, out of breath, he’s amazing, he holds my hand, he helps me drink my water, water, I need water. Pain, searing burning blinding pain. It’s too late for any proper drugs, the midwife gives me the gas and air to try, I have a couple of puffs, it does NOTHING, I throw the useless thing on the floor. Pushing, pain, so much pain, nearly there, almost there, I can’t think, I’m not there, my fingernails are dug deep into my thigh as I push. Time speeds up, just a few more, he’s halfway there the midwife says. “Is he OK? He’s OK, yeah?” I gasp, panicking. “He’s fine, one more, big push.”

The pain heightens to unspeakable levels, I feel like I’m being split into two. One more, I push, where the energy comes from I have no idea, I push and there’s release, there’s relief, there’s my baby.

02.26am Friday morning.

My tiny pink baby, being laid on my chest, covered in blood and strange white stuff I still don’t know the name of. It’s the single most surreal feeling I’ve ever known. I gasp, cry and laugh at once. Rob kisses my forehead, he’s crying too, and laughing. My baby, our baby, he’s here, he’s actually here.

And there’s something else there too, overwhelming, chest tightening, all-consuming love.

Everything is right. Everything is as it should be.

He’s here. Noah is here.

P.S: I was inspired to publish this after reading Five’s a Fellowship’s incredible posts about the birth of her eldest son who was born with a birth defect.


40 comments Write a comment

  1. Guess what? I cried! This makes me so excited (minus epic poo sensation and searing pain) for January! The title is a touch of genius. I just got in from school and I desperately want to give you an A*. Love it xx

    • It is my mission to write something that doesn’t make you cry!! Epic poo sensation made me laugh – A LOT! :D Thank you for your bloody kind words, and I am loving my A* :D xx

  2. You know, I usually despise birth stories because they’re of no interest to anyone but the parents. However, this has made me hoot so loudly that my little girl got out of bed to see what was going on. Bloody fabulous post m’love.

    • Oh this made me laugh!! I’m sorry for disturbing your little one!!! (I hate ‘em too don’t worry, if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em though innit) :D Thank you so much for reading darling.

  3. Love, love, LOVE this. And I LOVE the name Noah!! Seriously one of my top choices for a boy. Sounds like you did fabulously, and with no pain relief aswell, you’re my hero x

  4. Only you can write blog posts that make me laugh as much as I did just then. Not laughing at you of course m’dear, but the way you write is charming. What a lovely story though. It’s nice to see a happy ending and some humor in what is usually a traumatic experience to say the least!

    Also thank you for linking me :) xxx

  5. Well done! Thanks for sharing! I’m one of those (sad?) people who like birth stories as long as they’re honest. And a bit funny. This gave me a good laugh. I tried to watch American Horror story while in labour. The things we do,hey?

  6. I love this birth story! So entertaining and honest. With my third I was completely obsessed with needing the toilet – it was a wee for me. You’d think I would have learned by then to know when the baby was on its way! Found you on Blow Your Own BTW.

  7. I really love your style of writing you are so honest! I cant believe you were on your own for all that time! i cried like a pansies at the slightest pain!

    Thanks so so much for linking up and sharing this with us, It is an amazing #magicmoment :-)

    • Ha, yeah I was a complete fool! Next time I’m ringing it for every last drop! xx

  8. Can’t knock a birth story but refuse to believe Dimbleby was wearing a half decent tie :)

    Hello tiny Noah :) x

  9. Great post. Definitely a magic moment. Can’t believe I was doing that almost exactly a year ago x

  10. What an amazing, fabulous, wonderful post and what an amazing, fabulous, wonderful woman you are!!! A brilliant birth story and a brilliant write-up of it. Thanks so much for sharing!
    I’d better go and fix my mascara. Yup – you made me cry too.

    • Ha! Thank you, I dunno about being wonderful woman, but I’m taking it anyway! ;) xx

  11. The minute I read the phrase “I’ve eaten so much pissing pineapple my tongue feels as though I’ve been licking sandpaper for kicks” I KNEW this was my kinda blog! I like your style lady, I’m following you like a, well, follower really.

    Fabulous birth story, none of that fuzzy wuzzy Earth Mother nonsense! It really does hurt like murderous hell doesn’t it? Well shared!

    Just Pirouette and Carry On…

  12. I can’t believe I’ve never read this before Cas, it’s bloody brilliant. I just snorted my tea up my nose and scalded my friggin nostril!

  13. Wow not only a magical moment, but a truly life changing, stop the clock, world goes upside down, never the same again moment…. Dimbleby wore a likeable tie?

  14. Awesomely written birth story dude, but I didn’t expect anything less from you.

    Oh, and; the white stuff? It’s called vernix :-)

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