Morning. Bedroom. Waking up.
Rationality: Oh. It’s 8.20. Shit.
Irrationality: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. We’re doomed. DOOMED.
R: It’s OK. It’s cool. Erm. Yeah. Let’s just get dressed, grab some biscuits and run out the door.
I: NO! It’s all fucked. I’m fucked. I’m going to have to go to the school office and see the judgey receptionist AGAIN and they’re going to give me that LOOK. They KNOW. They KNOW I’m fucked up. They’re going to start asking questions and they’ll see that I didn’t brush his hair properly or iron his uniform and they’ll remember that time I forgot to bring in his reading diary and I REFUSE to give him a bag of crisps on the way to school for breakfast.
R: No, no they won’t. We can get there in twenty minutes. It’s fine. And they’re breakfast biscuits innit. Totally allowed. It’s fine.
I: It’s not fine. Nothing’s fine. He’s going to be THAT kid. The one everyone gives the side eye and feel sorry for him for having a shit mum.
R: Oh shut up, no they won’t.
I: LOOK! LOOK AT HIS HAIR! It looks like I’ve backcombed it, not brushed it.
R: Come on. Let’s go.
R: What is it? What now?
I: I can’t move. The new pills. OMG, OMG, OMG. Something’s happened. My body’s made of lead. Has someone filled my veins up with sand when I was asleep? I’m stuck like Neo in the Matrix when he goes all slo-mo ninja.
R: Oh FFS.
I: I TOLD YOU WE’RE FUCKED!
8.46am. Outside. Walking.
R: Can you go any faster?
I: I AM walking fast. Look. Look at me go.
R: You’re staggering a bit, dude.
I: DON’T TELL ME THAT.
R: OK. Don’t worry, we’re nearly there.
I: We’ve been walking for EVER – OH SHIT, WHERE’S HIS LUNCH BAG?
R: Oh Christ.
I: Oh no. I can’t make him have school dinners, he won’t eat them, I can’t take the guilt. And I’m not sure I can talk without slurring to the receptionist so I can explain. Why won’t my body just work?! This is like walking through concrete. Can you see a dart anywhere on me? Have I been tranquilised?
R: We’ll sort it, honestly.
I: Oh shit, look. Parents. Fucking loads of them. WALKING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. They KNOW, they totally KNOW.
9.03am. Outside school gates.
I: Dude. That was way too hard.
R: You’ve done it now. We just need to get you home somehow and do it again in a few hours.
I: Oh sweet Jesus, no. No. No. No. I’m staying here.
R: What? You can’t stay here for six hours.
I: It’s going to take me six hours to walk home. I’m totally staying here.
R: Well could you look less… Drunk? And weird? And not sit in a bush?
I: I’m just going to take a little nap.
R: What..? NO! We’re going to get arrested! We’re outside a SCHOOL. You can’t just sleep in a hedge outside a school.
I: Aha, will the police take me home though?
R: *says nothing*.