Author Archives: mummyneversleeps

Maximum Insecurity Prison

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I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go.

It’s alright, stop being a child. You’re just going to get more happy pills, that’s all.

What about Rob and Bean? I can’t leave them, Rob’s really unwell today.

Stop making excuses, you’ll only be gone for half an hour.

But I haven’t even had time to have a shower. LOOK AT MY HAIR, I CAN’T GO OUT LIKE THIS.

Stop. Making. Excuses.

Fine. I’ll go. But I’m not happy.

Good. Now, quick, you’ve got twenty minutes.

Oh FFS.

*****

Waiting room

Is my hair still white? Can you see the dry shampoo? Oh fuck, I didn’t wash my hands, am I covered in white marks? Is everyone looking at me? Did I forget to brush my teeth? Oh my God. THERE’S A HOLE IN MY LEGGINGS. Everyone thinks I’m a total scumbag. HOW MUCH LONGER IS THE DOCTOR GONNA BE? Should I call Rob? I hope they’re OK.

Oh christ, calm down. No one is looking at you. They’re way too concerned with themselves and their high cholesterol or swollen glands or whatever.

No, that woman totally just looked at me. She thinks I’m a scumbag, she saw the chocolate spread on my fingers from making Bean’s toast and I bet she thinks it’s poo. Poo. Actual poo. If I had Bean with me she’d understand, but because I don’t I look insane. Is that how bad things have got? That I look like I’d swan about with shit on me?

Stop it now. She’s not looking at you, she has a lazy eye, dude. Read a magazine or something.

I can’t, I can’t concentrate. What the fuck is that noise? I really don’t like that noise, it’s making me nervous. I don’t like it here, I want to go home.

It’s a vacuum cleaner, for goodness sake. And stop shaking, people are looking now.

Oh shit, don’t say that, it’s getting worse now. Where is this doctor? I need to be home, what if Rob’s fallen over? I shouldn’t have come. Shall I call him? Can I use my phone here? Is it allowed? Will it break medical stuff? WHERE IS THAT NOISE COMING FROM?!

OMAG WILL YOU JUST STOP IT FOR A SECOND?!

Fuck. Did you hear that? Someone called my name. Who was that? Shit.

That was the doctor calling you.

But, but that was a woman, I thought I was seeing my normal bloke doctor. I can’t see a woman doctor, she’ll see the dry shampoo in my hair and the chocolate poo on my hands. Women see this stuff. They know, dude.

Please, just go in there, get the prescription and let’s get the fuck out of here. PLEASE.

Fine, fine, whatev- OH MY SHIT – DID YOU SEE THAT? I TRIPPED OVER, EVERYONE’S LOOKING AT ME AGAIN. FFS I’m such a mess.

Yeah. You are. Please, get this over with.

*****

Doctor’s office

Doctor: So, what can I help you with today?

(thinks: She totally just clocked the hole in my leggings. She thinks I’m fat doesn’t she? She’s gonna tell me I’m depressed cos I’m fat. Breathe in.)

Me: Um, I just um, wanted a new prescription for my antidepressants. Please.

D: OK, and how have you been feeling recently?

(thinks: What is she typing on the computer? Breathe in more FFS. Look normal.)

M: Um. OK, I think.

D: You don’t look very happy.

(thinks: Wow. That hurt.)

M: Oh.

D: Has anything triggered thi-

(thinks: Totally tune out. Nod. Look interested. Get the fuck out of here with that green piece of paper ASAP.)

*****

Street, walking fast

I want to be home, I want to be home, I want to be home. I don’t want to leave the house again. I want to go to bed and forget all this. Everyone’s looking at me. Everyone thinks I’m nuts. Bloody hell, I’m crying. Why did the doctor say that? She wasn’t even very nice about it. WHY CAN’T I WALK ANY FASTER?

It’s alright, we’re nearly home now.

Was that one of the mums from nursery that just drove past? Did she see me? How can I take Bean to nursery now she’s seen me like this? I can’t take him to nursery ever again. I just want to go to bed.

Hang on two more minutes and we’ll be home.

It’s too far. I can’t do it.

You can, you have to. Just focus on seeing Bean.

Oh no, I can’t. I can’t see him like this.

You have to. Look, there’s our house.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

STOP IT. Just smile and get through it.

*****

Front door

Bean: MUMMY! MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MMMYMMMYMMMYMMMY! Look! I stuck stickers on the cat and I had a really big poo and daddy gave me FOUR yoghurts and I missed you and LOOK AT THE CAT and I WANT TO GO THE MOON AND EAT CHEESE and bees make honey and watch my new dance – it’s good isn’t it? Can I have another yoghurt please?

(thinks: it’s OK now, it’s OK, I’m safe.)

Finding The Right Holiday For Your Family

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What with my other half suffering from ME, it’s difficult to get out and about at the best of times, but nonetheless, we’re still keen to find ways of getting out and doing things as a family, as tricky as it can be.

I’ve been hankering after a holiday for years, years, YEARS I TELL YOU, forever it seems, but one thing after another as life likes to make little obstacle courses for us, it’s something we’ve yet to do as a family. With the other half suffering from ME, there’s a lot that needs to be taken into consideration to just leave the house, bright sunshine and heat can knock him out for a few days to a few weeks so wherever we go, it’ll take some doing to find somewhere that’s right for us besides just finding something that is affordable for us.

Bean is becoming more and more interested in different countries and cultures, to his little mind it’s a massive novelty that there are huge countries in the world where they speak different languages and eat different foods. Bless him.

As a child I had many holidays in Italy, and I think that it’d be perfect for us, the chilled out atmosphere, the slow pace, the food obvs and the fact that it wouldn’t be a total culture shock for Bean, as there’s still plenty that’s familiar enough for him. I guess it sort of helps that the other half is half Italian, and to show Bean where some of his roots come from.

I’ve been looking at great value holidays with IceLolly , from city breaks to skiing holidays, so I think I’ll be getting my bum on there and start planning this long overdue holiday, I want me some pizza!

Have you got any holidays planned for this year? Where are ya off to?

 

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Looking After the Pennies

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It’s finally, yes finally, come to my attention that I need to start looking after myself. Not only for myself but for my family, with two people, the house, and pets all under my bingo wing, once I start to feel a bit under the weather the whole dynamic of the house suffers.

I need energy, I need to eat properly, and I need to stop relying on chocolate to get me through every day, I know, boo hiss. Plus recently, I’ve been reading into how diet can improve ME, and with us fighting for any help we can get to ease my other half’s symptoms, we’re pledging to this health lark together.

So today, with my virtual shopping trolley in tow, and a list of things I need to try and buy, I set off to mySupermarket for the first time. It’s very easy to navigate and I figured that by shopping online I’d reduce the chances of impulse buying at the bakery stand and sticking to the healthy option shopping list that I had created. It was all very simple to sign up to, and off I went adding my nuts and beans, rice milk and baby spinach, among dozens of other bits and bobs I have no idea how to pronounce. mySupermarket has it’s own dietary shelf so it’s easy to pick out dietary brands that you’re unfamiliar with)

The site has a few features that I really like: the tally in the sidebar shows the price of your basket across all the supermarkets, not just in the one you’ve chosen to shop from. By totting up how much your groceries would cost in each major supermarket, it allows you to make an informed decision about which supermarket has the best deals and where you can save a few pennies, or indeed pounds! I also particularly liked their savvy buys section which shows you all the grocery offers with a saving of over 30%. I find supermarket deals mind boggling and it’s sometimes hard to see when the wool is being pulled over your eyes but because everything on this shelf is a calculated good price it’s kind of comforting!

I must admit, I always shop with Tesco, their website is easy to navigate and doesn’t crash every other time I add something to my basket, but after my little healthy jaunt, I realised that ASDA (who I never shop with, don’t like their website) came on top throughout, a bonus being that I didn’t have to actually do any of the bit I hate on the ASDA website, and once I’d added everything I needed on mySupermarket, I could quickly transfer to ASDAs website to checkout, bypassing the time-consuming, annoyingly slow website in the process. But the best part? I saved over 7 quid, on things I was going to buy anyway, flipping fantastic.

So, now by fear of ASDA has been eluded, I can start to find out what’ve I’ve been missing all these years! What’s your favoured supermarket? Do you use mySupermarket too?

 

This post contains paid for content.

 

Hosting a Eurovision Party With the Girls

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The Eurovision means one thing. Ok, two things. Cheesy international pop music and a good laugh with your friends. At the expense of the cheesy international pop music, of course. It offers the perfect excuse to have a night in with some drinks and nibbles and get your friends around to watch the antics.

To get everyone really in the spirit, you could make it a fancy dress party, with each person picking a country to represent through their clothing. This would, of course, live up to stereotypes of each country and shouldn’t offend – but perhaps check with your guests first.

In terms of food, you can continue to honour the Eurovision theme by offering a buffet of traditional finger-food from across the continent. For example:

  • UK: sandwiches with traditional fillings like cheese and pickle or egg mayonnaise
  • Italy: mini pizzas
  • Sweden: meatballs

You should be able to find many of the items in European food stores or the world food sections in many big supermarkets.

The same applies with your drinks – for example you could make Bellinis (Italian peach and sparkling wine cocktails), Sangría (Spanish fruited wine) and the UK’s G&T. Perhaps offer non-alcoholic punches or juices for those who’d prefer to steer clear of alcohol.

If your television has smart TV features, you can switch between the programme and your favourite social networks to see what others are saying about the night’s entertainment. Tweet live updates and upload videos of your friends singing along. You can also log in to Spotify on a smart TV and see the latest Eurovision playlists that users have made, or even create your own of music from past years to get the party started!

Ask all party guests to predict who will win the competition, keep a score and provide a prize to the winner at the end of the evening. If you’ve got kids to look after during the party, get them involved too. Let them help with preparing the finger foods and ask them to predict who will win the contest. You could even make them their own smaller version of a fancy dress costume – perhaps they could dress as a member of Abba!

Thank you to LG for supplying this article.

Wedding Bells

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Getting married is something that the other half and I have wanted for a long time, loooong time, get that? A LOOOOONG TIME OK? But for dozens of different reasons, money and ill-health to name a few, life has just got in the way and other things have taken presidence.

However, in the not too distant future, I’d love to change that, therefore I’m always keen to snoop out money-saving tips to make that big day happen, ya know, just so I can sort of store it anyway and half believe it can be a reality one day, hopefully.

Evolution Money have recently published a shiny new infographic, full of clever little tips showing you where you can be extra savvy and save a few quid on your wedding day. If you’re looking to go full-out with a frugal wedding, or just thinking of scrimping in a few different areas, there’s certainly something for everyone here.

My personal favourites being a quirky cupcake wedding cake, cos I mean really, who likes fruit cake anyway? Really? And getting a dab-handed friend to do your hair and make up rather than paying for a make up artist and hair stylist… I dunno, maybe pay your mate in hugs and wine instead, and a few cupcakes for good measure.

So, have you got any clever tips for saving your pennies on the big day? Have you tried any of them yourself when you got married? I’d love to know!

 

This is a paid-for post.

How To Blog

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  • Sit down. Think. Need an idea, need an idea.
  • Nothing.
  • Keep thinking, do some online window shopping / eat too many biscuits /  pick nose.
  • Nope. Nothing. Carry on with life.
  • Get idea. (at 4am when you seriously need to be asleep, I mean honestly, look, your kid’s gonna be awake in two hours / just before your child vomits on the cat)
  • Quickly ensure in your head that this “idea” isn’t your brain tricking you and recycling someone else’s blog post you’ve read previously and making you believe it is your own brilliance.
  • Once determined either dump stolen idea / write down original idea.
  • Find pen and paper / make note on phone.
  • Discover distinct lack of pens and paper, phone out of battery.
  • Swear.
  • Write on back of hand with eyeliner.
  • Question momentarily that taking child to nursery with “HAPPY PILLS, POEM ABOUT QUICHE, FUCKING SMUG PARENTS” scrawled up your arm may make you appear somewhat unhinged.
  • Find jumper. Deposit child.
  • Come home, quickly, very quickly tidy surface crap in house, yes, you can totally do this blogging and mum stuff.
  • Remember to never, ever open that cupboard that is now bursting with the washing up / laundry / bills / all of the above.
  • Make coffee, all writers need coffee right? Consider taking up smoking as a hobby, writers smoke too, yeah? Roll up old post it note and pretend to puff on it, really debonair.
  • Look at writing on arm for a moment. Entirely forget where the fuck you were going with “POEM ABOUT QUICHE.”
  • Realise you are hungry. Search for food. Find none. Sit down with bowl of dry, slightly stale Cheerios.
  • Think.
  • Check emails.
  • Reply to emails. Agreeing to do more blogging work, that you’ll ultimately forget about for the next two weeks.
  • Check Twitter.
  • Think of something hilarious and relatable to say.
  • Tweet about getting shit on your face this morning / the kid throwing up on the cat.
  • Watch tumbleweed roll by as your Tweet is ignored. Question whether you’re actually funny.
  • Drink more coffee.
  • Play around with different fonts on your blog.
  • Get a grip.
  • Open compose blog post thingy.
  • Stare at screen.
  • Think of 3 absolutely brilliant blog titles. Realise that you have nothing more than the titles.
  • Save each one to drafts.
  • Sigh dramatically. Have another puff on fake cigarette.
  • Look at clock. Find that you’ve somehow wasted an hour already.
  • Really stare at the screen now, you’re determined, you can do this.
  • Waste another 10 minutes trying to think of words that rhyme with quiche.
  • Scrap quiche idea.
  • Start writing about anything, you are funny, it’ll just come out naturally without you even thinking about it.
  • Realise you are not funny at all.
  • Look at photos of cats on Google to console yourself.
  • Have a little peek at blog statistics for the day, just out of interest, stats don’t matter, you don’t really care about them, you’re just curious. Find them plummeting.
  • Panic.
  • You totally have to write a post, like NOW.
  • Raid chocolate stash. Eat. Continue to eat until you feel enormously guilty and dirty.
  • Commence staring contest with empty white screen.
  • Realise you have 10 minutes before you need to leave to collect child.
  • Have a little cry.
  • Check emails.
  • Reply to emails.
  • Reluctantly put shoes on and collect bag.
  • Practice tortured artist face in mirror.
  • Wallow in self doubt.
  • Remember to disguise any evidence of chocolate binge.
  • Start walking to collect kid.
  • Find yourself attempting to be all deep and profound, making metaphors about dead flowers or road rage as you walk.
  • Swear under your breath.
  • Scare passing school children.
  • Get sucker punched with amazing idea as you’re pushing through the double doors at nursery.
  • Begin to panic that this is someone else’s blog post again.
  • Dump or keep accordingly as you’re signing the register.
  • Immediately forget idea as you’re handed accident report form and are told by the sheepish nursery lady that your kid headbutted a window, apparently attempting to squash a fly.
  • Repeat for eternity.

 

Beautifully Boutique

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Creating your boudoir bedroom

The bedroom is the most personal room in your house: communal areas like living rooms and kitchens can cater for families and visitors, but the bedroom is just for you. As a result, it’s the perfect opportunity to create somewhere that really reflects your personality, and gives you somewhere to relax and escape to. The best bedrooms achieve this by successfully using colour, lighting and texture to really make the room comfortable and soothing.

Space

Before planning any of this, the first step to designing a bedroom is to take care of storage. There is probably more to store in the bedroom than any other room, and you definitely want to avoid having clutter in there, particularly things you can trip over first thing in the morning. Wardrobes are the best way to maximise space, as many now come with drawers and shelves so a variety of things can be kept in there. You can view a range of wardrobes here to decide which model is best for you. A traditional pine or oak finish gives the room a cosy feel, or a painted one can add a splash of colour to the room.

Comfort

The most important thing about the bedroom is that it feels comfortable; it is the place where you wind down before going to sleep and the first thing you see when you wake up. The bed should obviously be the most important item in there, so pick the biggest one you can without it taking up the whole room. For extra comfort, pile the bed high with pillows and curtains. Having something warm under your feet will also help the room feel luxurious, so deep pile carpets or a furry rug are the best options.

Colour

Picking the right colour scheme is also vital for getting the mood right; you want something that will relax you in the evening but not keep you feeling too drowsy in the morning. A dark colour scheme, in something like purple, is a good choice as it will be atmospheric and moody. For a luxurious boutique feel, silvers and greys work well, if not on the walls then on elements like bedspreads, lamps or picture frames. Picking the right fabrics also give you a chance to add some more textures and character to the room – textures like satin and velvet for curtains or throws help create that boudoir atmosphere.

Light

Finally, the way you light the room needs to be decided. Strong lights are needed in the morning to help you wake up, as well as helping you while you search your wardrobes for the day’s clothes. At night however, dimmer lights will help you wind down. Dimmer switches are a great solution for this problem, but if this is not possible some bedside lamps will work to give the room a cosy glow and give you light to read by.

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Things To Do On A Rainy Day

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Let’s face it, during the British summertime, we expect nothing else than lots of rain; it wouldn’t be the same without it! As soon as you think that there’s the slightest chance of some lovely warm weather, out come the showers, ready to put a dampener on your day (literally). However, who says that should put an end to your holiday time? We certainly don’t!

Combine high quality home waterproofing, through the use of double glazed PVCu windows, with some good old fashion imagination, and you could have yourself an amazing rainy day. Don’t believe us? Then read on…

Stuck indoors

When the weather starts to worsen, many of us feel like a prisoner in our own home, held captive by those pesky rain drops! However, it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Make the most of the situation, and get creative. Whilst you’ve probably heard all the obvious ‘stuck indoor activities’ (film marathon, bake cakes, read) we believe that you should use this opportunity to do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do; to find your inner child!

If you actually have kids then this is probably more socially acceptable, but who cares. Your home, your rules! So crack open the crayons and let your hair down. Think of all those things you used to love when you were little. Build a den from quilt covers, do cartwheels off the settee, eat Nesquik for every meal. When it’s raining, anything goes.

Play outside

If the thought of spending all day indoors doesn’t really appeal to you, then there are alternatives, but you’ll have to brave the miserable weather to get there.  Just because there isn’t any sunshine, doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to hours of cleaning or twiddling your thumbs. No. What you should do, is embrace what the UK has to offer.

Fancy visiting the capital? Then you’ll be spoilt for choice. London is one of the most loved cities in the world. Famous for its bright lights and busy streets, it’s easy to see why this city is the centre of all the action. Enjoy a bit of culture? Then why not visit the internationally acclaimed Tate Modern, a gallery that takes pride in its wide selection of incredible art. Or if that’s not your cup of tea, then you could always indulge yourself at Westfield London Shopping Centre? Torrential rain is the perfect excuse for a bit of retail therapy.

So what are you waiting for? Make the most of your rainy day before the sun finds out!

 

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Tips For Adding Value To Your Home

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Finally the weather seems to be improving, and at long last we can make the most of our homes. Rather than being stuck inside all day hiding from the snow, we can start to be sociable again and embrace the lovely sunshine. Although, what would a summer home be without a spring clean? You might be ready for the change in season, but does your house look the part?

Treat your home to a much needed makeover. If you’re looking to improve your property or are hoping to add value to your home, then now’s the perfect time to do so. But remember, don’t forget to buy some comprehensive home insurance cover; we don’t want your efforts going to waste at the hands of those pesky thieves!

Expand

One means of adding value to your home is by expanding your property. Always fancied a loft conversion? Like the idea of relaxing in a new conservatory? Then what’s stopping you! Adding extra space to a building instantly increases its value. And the beauty of it is, all the hard work’s done for you! And just think of what you could do with that added room… It could be a guest bedroom, a gym, a games room; it’s completely up to you! Want to give your house the TLC it deserves? Then this is well worth considering.

Kitchen

Another way to improve your home is by concentrating on the kitchen. Especially if you’re thinking of selling your house, it’s a good idea to focus on the hub of the home, as this is one room which everybody’s eyes turn to. So make it look a million dollars! This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to completely refit the space. It may be the case that only a few tweaks are needed to give it a new look. Make it priority to get the worktops sparkling, the appliances in working order, the walls freshly painted. Little things like these could improve your property enormously.

Spruce up

The truth is, your home doesn’t need a pool or tennis court to rake in the pounds when it comes to selling. However, you do need to ensure that the bare essentials have been dealt with. By this we mean, redecorate! Some homes will be more in need of this than others, so take the time to see what needs sprucing up and work on it. First impressions count, so don’t neglect the simplest things; it could cost you!

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How Does Your Garden Grow?

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Not my usual fandango, but I’m an open-minded creature. That cunning vixen Mammasaurus has conceived a lovely new linky, about all things happy, sunny and erm, gardeny. I can’t help but think that a bit of sunshine does bloody wonders for the soul, the sudden overload of green and flowers and stuff in your face can’t hurt can it?

Now, I am most certainly not a gardener, I don’t understand plants, they don’t like me, we tend to keep our distance. That isn’t to say I don’t appreciate them, I just have a scary predisposition to killing them a bit. Well. Quite a lot actually.

One thing I can do however, with mass amounts of help from Baby Bio tomato food, is grow chillies. The buggers are notoriously difficult to get through the winter, so the Habanero tree that I grew last year is no more and I’m starting afresh with these little sods.

So – onward to the photos! Of course today, the wind decided to pick up to apocalyptic strength, so the chilli plants were brought inside.

017

So, how does your garden grow? Or in my case, not grow? Go and have a look at the much more impressive green fingered offerings on Mammasaurus’ linky doodah.

 

Mammasaurus - How Does Your Garden Grow?