I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go.
It’s alright, stop being a child. You’re just going to get more happy pills, that’s all.
What about Rob and Bean? I can’t leave them, Rob’s really unwell today.
Stop making excuses, you’ll only be gone for half an hour.
But I haven’t even had time to have a shower. LOOK AT MY HAIR, I CAN’T GO OUT LIKE THIS.
Stop. Making. Excuses.
Fine. I’ll go. But I’m not happy.
Good. Now, quick, you’ve got twenty minutes.
Is my hair still white? Can you see the dry shampoo? Oh fuck, I didn’t wash my hands, am I covered in white marks? Is everyone looking at me? Did I forget to brush my teeth? Oh my God. THERE’S A HOLE IN MY LEGGINGS. Everyone thinks I’m a total scumbag. HOW MUCH LONGER IS THE DOCTOR GONNA BE? Should I call Rob? I hope they’re OK.
Oh christ, calm down. No one is looking at you. They’re way too concerned with themselves and their high cholesterol or swollen glands or whatever.
No, that woman totally just looked at me. She thinks I’m a scumbag, she saw the chocolate spread on my fingers from making Bean’s toast and I bet she thinks it’s poo. Poo. Actual poo. If I had Bean with me she’d understand, but because I don’t I look insane. Is that how bad things have got? That I look like I’d swan about with shit on me?
Stop it now. She’s not looking at you, she has a lazy eye, dude. Read a magazine or something.
I can’t, I can’t concentrate. What the fuck is that noise? I really don’t like that noise, it’s making me nervous. I don’t like it here, I want to go home.
It’s a vacuum cleaner, for goodness sake. And stop shaking, people are looking now.
Oh shit, don’t say that, it’s getting worse now. Where is this doctor? I need to be home, what if Rob’s fallen over? I shouldn’t have come. Shall I call him? Can I use my phone here? Is it allowed? Will it break medical stuff? WHERE IS THAT NOISE COMING FROM?!
OMAG WILL YOU JUST STOP IT FOR A SECOND?!
Fuck. Did you hear that? Someone called my name. Who was that? Shit.
That was the doctor calling you.
But, but that was a woman, I thought I was seeing my normal bloke doctor. I can’t see a woman doctor, she’ll see the dry shampoo in my hair and the chocolate poo on my hands. Women see this stuff. They know, dude.
Please, just go in there, get the prescription and let’s get the fuck out of here. PLEASE.
Fine, fine, whatev- OH MY SHIT – DID YOU SEE THAT? I TRIPPED OVER, EVERYONE’S LOOKING AT ME AGAIN. FFS I’m such a mess.
Yeah. You are. Please, get this over with.
Doctor: So, what can I help you with today?
(thinks: She totally just clocked the hole in my leggings. She thinks I’m fat doesn’t she? She’s gonna tell me I’m depressed cos I’m fat. Breathe in.)
Me: Um, I just um, wanted a new prescription for my antidepressants. Please.
D: OK, and how have you been feeling recently?
(thinks: What is she typing on the computer? Breathe in more FFS. Look normal.)
M: Um. OK, I think.
D: You don’t look very happy.
(thinks: Wow. That hurt.)
D: Has anything triggered thi-
(thinks: Totally tune out. Nod. Look interested. Get the fuck out of here with that green piece of paper ASAP.)
Street, walking fast
I want to be home, I want to be home, I want to be home. I don’t want to leave the house again. I want to go to bed and forget all this. Everyone’s looking at me. Everyone thinks I’m nuts. Bloody hell, I’m crying. Why did the doctor say that? She wasn’t even very nice about it. WHY CAN’T I WALK ANY FASTER?
It’s alright, we’re nearly home now.
Was that one of the mums from nursery that just drove past? Did she see me? How can I take Bean to nursery now she’s seen me like this? I can’t take him to nursery ever again. I just want to go to bed.
Hang on two more minutes and we’ll be home.
It’s too far. I can’t do it.
You can, you have to. Just focus on seeing Bean.
Oh no, I can’t. I can’t see him like this.
You have to. Look, there’s our house.
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.
STOP IT. Just smile and get through it.
Bean: MUMMY! MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MMMYMMMYMMMYMMMY! Look! I stuck stickers on the cat and I had a really big poo and daddy gave me FOUR yoghurts and I missed you and LOOK AT THE CAT and I WANT TO GO THE MOON AND EAT CHEESE and bees make honey and watch my new dance – it’s good isn’t it? Can I have another yoghurt please?
(thinks: it’s OK now, it’s OK, I’m safe.)