Right, screw this for a box of frogs. Or… something.
I’ve had enough, I’m putting my fucking freezing cold foot down. Let’s talk about SAD, or if you’re not like, ya know in the loop, Seasonal Affective Disorder, as lovely Wiki describes it…
“Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, winter blues, summer depression, summer blues, or seasonal depression, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer, spring or autumn year after year.”
Ooh yes, Summer’s over, it’s cold, it’s foggy, it’s wet, everything’s dying and dropping off the trees, and I haven’t even had a chance to buy a new winter coat yet, I’m still rocking my 2 year old parka that gapes open and I have to camouflage with elaborate scarves and necklaces.
SAD. Sad. Sad sad sad. Fuck SAD. SAD can piss off. Here I am going to give you a list of some probably not very helpful stuff, to arm yourself with, so you can go into battle and fight off SAD yourself. Here goes, soldier. *salutes*
Grey. Brown. General lack of greenery. The garden that was exploding with greens and yellows and pinks and motherfricking rainbows a few weeks back is now dead, and cold and wet. WELL. I’m shite at gardening, the longest I’ve kept a plant alive is a few months, and that is now a most likely radioactive basil plant, from all the Baby Bio I’ve fed it. So what we gonna do about it? Well, sod the plants, let ’em get on with dying and regenerating in a few months, I haven’t got the answer on how to genetically modify plants so they never die, I’m a rubbish gardener so what do we do in a crisis?
Accessorise. Those that say you can’t polish a turd, didn’t see the one my cat did when she ate Play Doh with glitter in it. So put up bunting, fairy lights, those fake green topiary balls. Paint colourful, lush meadows on your windows. Get a load of astroturf and silk flowers and makeover your outside space into a Teletubbie Land. Hell, just paint everything in your garden / balcony/ window sill/ roof terrace green. And pink. And blue. And purple. And yellow. Then chuck some sequins and feathers on top for dramatic effect. Better yet, fashion yourself a pair of these bad boys, and hum the MoMo Rainbow Song ALL DAY LONG.
It’s freezing. It’s gonna snow tomorrow. Probably. We’ll all get snowed in, and have to live off chickpeas of dubious origin and ration out stale chocolate digestives in an attempt to keep up morale. Bum’s will have to be wiped with newspapers, old rags and when they run out, rubbish Chick Lit books you’ll never read again. Hey it’s all recycling, ain’t it?
Those pesky energy suppliers are fucking us all, in the bad way, we’re all scared of sticking the heating on. Well fear not, here are some tips on keeping warm.
Fashion together a very charming duvet suit, just stitch some sleeves on and you’re good to go. Or better yet, a hot water bottle suit. You know when Lady Gaga wore that meat dress? Well, imagine instead of it being made with bits of dead stuff and prime rib, just tape loads of hot water bottles to yourself. Fashionable AND snuggly, you can’t lose.
If you’re rubbish at sewing and crafts, stockpile socks, pyjamas, jumpers, rugs, blankets, scarves. Make draft excluders by rolling up a blanket like a Swiss roll and tie the ends with ribbon. Line your curtains with fleece blankets, and just attach ’em with safety pins. Light candles. Wear hats. Rock a hood. Get an electric blanket. Go nuts in a onesie a la that gorgeous Sara of Nothing But Words & Wine. Run around in the house humming the Benny Hill theme tune to get the body temperature up. Have sex. Whatever.
Also, if you’re not all fancy with an open fire or a log burner, simply buy one of those cheap “Open Fire” DVDs, which magically transform your TV into an open fire of glory, all the cosiness, without all the hassle or safety issues.
This is a biggie that gets to most people. The sun only coming out to shine rather dismally for a few hours and BAM, 4 o’clock it’s dark again. I can’t suggest much about getting the sun to put his hat on when he’s taken it off and gone to bed, BUT, I will suggest this…
Oh yes. I bloody swear by these beauties. Well, I swear all the time, but these things are good. Where normal lightbulbs are sort of yellow toned, they give off a very dull, dim, yucky (yes, that IS a technical term) light. Well. WELL. Daylight bulbs are white or blue toned, therefore they actually give the effect of sunlight. Geni-arse. Use ’em even in the daytime, to counter the deathly grey seeping in from outside.
This is the big one, ain’t it? Feeling a bit low. Well, taking vitamin D is supposed to help. I can’t say it does. I reckon it’s a load of crap. All I can say on this bit is that for some of us with a somewhat fragile disposition, SAD is a pretty natural thing. Sunlight is important to keep you ticking over in the happy stakes and if it ain’t there, well, it’s all gonna kick off.
So, enjoy those cottage pies, accept you’re gonna put on two stone from those delicious soups with croutons and crusty bread and casseroles with extra dumplings. And the hot chocolates with lashings of squirty cream. Fuck it, that’s what January’s for anyway, right?
Dig out your favourite jumpers, yes even the holey ones, or the ones with cats on. It’s all allowed, it’s all good. Get those pyjama’s out, and enjoy those gorgeous buggers, the louder the better.
Discover a little hobby. Hibernate. Plan what you’ll do next summer. If all else fails, fly off to an exotic country for a few months and come back next year when it’s all blown over. Whatever it is that keeps you sane. And absolutely go and have a chat with your GP if things get too much, that’s what they’re there for, I’m sure they’ll enjoy the break from dealing with yet another bruised arse from slipping on the ice or snow and even more people with common colds.
Hey, there’s always Christmas to look forward to right?