“How are you, Cassandra? How can I help you today?” she says while looking at the screen as I sit on the orange padded chair I wonder if there’s any point in going through with this well rehearsed ordeal again and briefly flirt with the idea of heading straight out of the door.
“Erm, I just need some more pills. Please.”
“This is for your depression? How are you getting on with that?”
Yep. Fail. I should have left while I still had a chance.
I’m in the most excruciating pain you can imagine and soul crushingly numb simultaneously. I feel as if I’m floating and made completely of stone all at once. I’m wishing for nothing else but for someone to give me the permission to just not exist for a little while. I want to scream every single word polluting my thoughts and am not able to say a single word. I want to find comfort in anything I can to only discover that I’m not worth it anyway. They keep telling me that I need to fight and I don’t have any left. They keep saying that this doesn’t define me when I know nothing but. The shame of my child seeing the cuts and asking me what they are with fear in his eyes is haunting me by the minute. It’s the constant headache and shakes and ticks. It’s wanting to destroy everything I love because I don’t deserve to keep any of it. It’s ignoring the texts and emails and voicemails, because what’s the point? It’s collapsing on the floor and repeatedly banging my head until I pass out from pain and tears. It’s crying so hard that I’m sick and that I can’t remember why I started. It’s wishing I didn’t have to keep going and knowing that I can’t do anything to stop.
Obvs I can’t actually say any of that stuff out loud. I give a noncommittal shrug, “Not good.”
She looks at me blankly before scrolling through endless notes on the screen. I see words I don’t understand flash past and I desperately try to remember them, they feel important. I wonder if it’d be inappropriate to get my phone out to take a photo.
- Dysthymia disorder.
- Refusal to take antipsychotics.
- Major depressive disorder.
- Self harm.
Dysthymia. Dysthymia. Dysthymia. Dysthymia… I think again and again so I can Google it when I finally get home. There’s mention of a drug called Minta-something too. I imagine a box of mint green capsules that taste like Tic Tacs.
She asks more questions, I have no idea what, and makes more scribbly notes on some headed paper, I begin to forget where I am and think to myself that she has nice nails. She mumbles something at me before hurriedly leaving the room.
This is it, I think. This is when they make that phone call and take me away somewhere.
It should strike me as very wrong when I begin to question if there’s anything in the room I can hurt myself with but of course it doesn’t. Faced with boxes of sample bottles and wooden tongue depressors. Maybe I could break one? Or jab one in my eye really hard?
The tick carries on where it left off just as I was leaving home, sending my head back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
I have the urge to leave to see if anyone notices.
Fifteen more painful minutes lapse before she returns.
“Are you able to cope with your son?”
I stare at her drunkly. My head shouts YES. NO. YES. NO and all I’m able to do is shrug.
“Would you like me to contact Social Services?”
“They might be able to just – ,”
“OK, if you have any thoughts to harm yourself you must come straight back.”
“But I have those thoughts right now - you’re still going to let me leave in thirty seconds, aren’t you?”
She looks at me seriously and wheels her chair a little too close, “I’ll see you again in two weeks, Cassandra.”